26/4/2024, "what the.."
so im supposed to do some registeration shit for my college. except, there appears to be error??? im gonna need my mom for this ngl shes not home rn but damn. she didnt even tell me my username and password to log in so how the fuck??? she couldve at leats told me at least and im stuck here waiting for a few more hours.
9/4/2024, "working on the site. should be easier for me to update whenever i could now"
yeah, i may or may not have to go back to my dad's hometown tomorrow so im just working on this site.
5/4/2024, "ah yes, leaving everything behind for a short while. havent used that in ages... and other stuff that makes me sad lately"
im guessing this is more of a vent than a log entry....
figured the best way to counter my constant feeling of abandonment by... simply taking a break from things. it started with me deactivating twitter, then i decided to shut myself down from people via taking a break from discord. hopefully people dont mind, dont think they do anyways. its been a rough two weeks.
of course, theres a flaw to my attempt at trying to take care of myself. the internet is the only place i have left to keep me happy from real life. that still wont make my parents care about me. much like the online equivalent of that, at least i can still read books.
honestly? i feel like the title of a song, called "alone again (naturally)" by gilbert o'sullivan perfectly describes how i feel. of course, i dont suffer the same way the song is presented. but in terms of loneliness, i do relate to the suffering
on the topic of loss, i still cnat believe its been almost 10 years since my grandfather passed away. that was my first exposure to death in real life. but not my first exposure to grief. though, i do read and now understand that some people dont really get hit with the realisation until a month or years later. i guess that makes sense, i was only 9 or 8 at the time. when i feel sad, closest i could do to try and cope with this is by reasearching his hometown and the history behind it, mostly colonial era of the city. i do wish hes still alive, since i realised just how awful he mustve went through during the war. but i cant now.
so feeling lonely as well as abandonment and processing my grief, its been rough for me lately
i wonder how different i could handle these if i had a special someone who cared about me
2/4/2024, "life, problems, and a poor attempt at trying to cheer myself up i guess"
life is not fun, i'll admit it. i hate living. its unfair how other people have parents who actually loves them and not be subjected to long term mental health issues as a result of their parents' poor parenting skill.
i also just feel... jealous?? that when others suffer silently, there are people gladly helping them out, while all i can do is simply rot.
i could see how different their efforts are when trying to help. maybe its a result of me being lonely and sheltered as a child + my neurodivergency cauing others to look at me poorly. but once you notice it, it doesnt get away at all
for god's sake, my state of mental health is almost irrepairable that i cant even express myself in my native language (malay) because of how little help i get, and how invalidated i am in the real world
but just because i said "the real world" doesn't mean that i feel as comfortable in the webspace too. where do you think i see more of how obvious it is that people are quick to abandon me?
maybe im just yapping here because im desperate for validation, or maybe its because of im too dependant as an adult as long as i live undre their roofs.
then again, isnt that exactly the point of this site? so i can try to cheer myself up in any way while the people around me continue to be oblivious of my suffering
oh well, theres no point. its not getting better.
21/3/2024, "looking at oocities again"
decided to browse through oocities again. i must say, some of the content there are... interesting. just shows obvious the differences between here and there (geocities def has more mature content and even people around 60, while this place mostly has at least 30 oldest.).
of course im not saying that neocities is bad nor is it far behind (considering this was before css). but i do think that people should consider taking geocities as an insp for web design philosophy, which is just stright up "this is a place for me to do whatever i like". without having to worry about your site looking trash compared to others.
hell, i want to emphasize on the "whatever i like" part more. literally!! anything!!! like this one page i found on /tokyo, which is about golfing. didnt expect that out of any topic i could think of being there. but im not complaining!! because you can do literally anything you want with your page
that being said, maybe i should make that page about medieval reenactments, or maybe about my dice collection
but yeah, im def taking inspiration from these old sites
17/2/2024, "fuck."
god, twitter just makes me feel miserable at this point. im just fucking overwhelmed by the amount of sexual assault posts on that godforsaken site. not to mention the new ai shit where you can use it for advanced ai generated videos
it almost makes me wanna ditch the internet completely. but i cant, because i live in a shitty household and my life fucking suck ass. i cant go to therapy for jack shit because of parents. im 19 years old and ive been told that im an adult and should act like one yet i have zero fucking freedom.
im still using a social medias like tumblr and maybe even use cohost more. but overall, i hate it.
but overall, i hate how im just basically avoiding using twitter just because of some pathetic trigger i have.
i know im probably gonna be considered a stupid coward for this. at this point its not even surprising
i think i also need to focus on my life before it gets ruined by my parents. it sucks tho, i need to figure out how to treat my ear to avoid infection just because my dad thinks me being concerned about my health is stupid and overdramatic. though, i honestly dont know what to do if its get bad enough until i need to tell them i have to go to a doctor about it.
i dont even know at this point, i just wanna leave my home.
2/2/2024, "my birthday is tomorrow..."
tomorrow is my 19th birthday, and honestly.... i feel awful.... im getting older but my life is getting worse... how am i supposed to deal with this, i cant even last more than a week during my last job
not to mention, art college... god
1/1/2024, "new year"
welp, its new year huh. gotta be honest, it doesnt feel like it. i still feel empty and hopeless. i still feel abandoned by everyone
not to mention, im going to art college in july
i just hope im at least happier this year
with that out of the way, happy new years to the rest of you folks who i genuinely dont expect to follow this weird site. hopefully you folks have a great year this year
20/12/2023, "just spilling my thoughts"
havent updated this in a while, ive been in a rough spot.
it seems like my imood status is gonna stay "abandoned" for a long time huh, i feel like i dont exist
ive been trying to cope with this shit for a while now, but i dont think anything works...
maybe if i pick up coding again ill be fine? fuck if i know... no one fuckin cares not even my parents care
i just wish my parents cares about me. i know i like to joke about my experience with child neglect and abuse to cope but its fucking unfair when literally everyone else you know have parents that actually cares
maybe thats the reason why they have friends, maybe they ignore me because they think im fucking inferior too now that i think about it
honestly, i dont know at this point. i just wanna die
12/10/2023, "i passed my spmu but...."
i passed my spm retake and can possibly join the art school. except, i dont want to join it... only reason why im doing this is because i had no other choice and this is all my parents' decision
even as an adult, im never allowed to decide things for myself
10/10/2023, "feeling empty"
mt dad...... he has been making fun of me with my goofy attempt at trying to get a job and trying to find a friend. he constantly likes to make fun of me on that expect. also, jobs is how to get money, and hes not letting that happen too...
27/9/2023, "venting about my art i guess"
i really needed to get this off my chest, here goes nothing
first of all, i hate my art. it never looks right. no matter how hard i do it never looks good, i fucking hate it. i can never make the line look good, the colouring is too fucking messy, i cant do anatomy for shit, and i cant even draw hands. not to mention the poses. no matter how hard i try, i can never improve. it always looks bad
maybe the people who bullied me on deviantart when i was 12 was right, i shouldve stopped drawing. i should just die, theyre right.
the things i draw is also bad. this is probably their words echoing in my brain about my art again, but maybe theyre right about what i draw being cringy and stupid as shit too
10/9/2023, "what the fuck do i even name this
i forgot what i was about to type, hopefully i'll remember and edit this entry
5/9/2023, "uhh"
i just finished my exams, im now officially a real adult. but i feel so lost rn....
1/8/2023, "wait its august already????"
excatly like the title says. uhhhh, what the fuck.
25/6/2023, "man im so fucking lonely"
man it sure does suck to be all alone.
especially living in an abusive household at the age of 18
i just want a friend, but i dont know how to make a new one. dont get me wrong, i do have a few friends but everyone else is meeting new people,
then theres me
i hate thos, i hate being all alone, i want to experience the same thing everyone else does as well.
24/6/2023, "fucking finally"
took me long enough to finish this
6/6/2023, "new look yeaheah"
to pass my time from covid and recovery (my lung hurts and im coughing terribly bls help :crying:), i have revamped on my site! i gotta say, im pretty proud of how far ive gotten with html!!
so yea enjoy the new look B)
1/6/2023, "sickness, and my growing obsession with a goofy roblox game lore"
aye, im still sick from covid. my throat is slowy getting better tho
anyways, SO, arcane lore
"anakin what the fuck is arcane?", i hear you asking.
welp, the arcane universe is a series of roblox games about scuffed greek mythology, where prometheus
brought the goft of magic instead of fire. *colin mochrie voice* and then this all happened.
the official lore doc should help with what the fuck this series is about
now, i'll admit, i was first introduced to this series from running into arcane odyssey one day. i thought this was just a neat pirate game. i was blown away by the story and lore of this game
i was aware of the prequel, arcane adventures, from watching dantdm's playthrough when i was a kid, so i was somewhat aware of aa's story
man, just explaining that playthrough brings back memories of that time lol, well, not exactly since 2016 was the worst year of my life but thats another post for another day
but overall? i love this series.
now, favorite characters. for aa, my favs are averill, kraken, trigno
, and rupin!!for ao i'll do this another time im sleepy as fuck lmfao but general argos is *twirls hair*
31/5/2023, "wow *clap*"
eyyyyyy i finally got around to make this page. theres nothing going on, other than that im sick from covid aaaaaaaaaa